Week 01
Stop negotiating with the stairs.
Find the leaks before adding intensity.
Simple self-checks and foundational movement patterns reveal what needs attention—without turning your living room into a lab.
Dumbbells and Dysfunction for capable-ish parents
Roast your body. Rebuild your function.
Submit the stat that makes your group chat nervous. Get a savage-but-loving roast and one practical fix for feeling stronger, steadier, and less betrayed by the stairs.
No fake before-and-afters. No punishment workouts.
THE 40-YEAR-OLD BODY ROASTRATE MY DYSFUNCTION
Today's completely unscientific diagnosis
“You don't need a new personality. You need to train your hinge.”
The founder promise
Comedy gets your attention. Useful coaching earns it.
The roast has a point
Every joke leads somewhere useful: a movement, habit, or next step you can actually try this week.
Built for real parent schedules
Short sessions, minimal equipment, and zero expectation that you'll become a 5 a.m. wellness person.
No manufactured miracle stories
This is a new community. We'll show the work, say what's still being built, and never invent results for a sales page.
The actual program
A four-week reset for the body you live in.
Function Reset is not a bootcamp. It's a clear sequence for restoring the basic strength, mobility, and confidence adulthood has been quietly invoicing you for.
Explore the resetWeeks 02–03
Build strength that survives school pickup.
Progressive sessions focus on hinges, squats, carries, pulls, and the kind of trunk strength that makes daily life feel less dramatic.
Week 04
Keep the part that works.
Leave with a repeatable plan, not a guilt pile. Decide what fits your week and how to keep doing it after the cohort ends.
4
weeks
Choose your level of dysfunction management
Start where the roast lands.
Clear options. No fictional scarcity countdown. Upgrade only when you want more eyes on your plan.
The Free Roast
$0
Submit one honest stat. Get one sharp joke and one real next move.
- Weekly submission opportunity
- One practical fix
The Function Reset
$149
one-time
A guided four-week cohort for parents who are done collecting fitness advice and ready to use their bodies better.
Four weeks of progressive training
Clear weekly movement priorities
Practical habit prompts
A plan to continue afterward
VIP Coaching
1:1
For the parent who wants tailored programming, direct feedback, and fewer chances to negotiate with themselves.
- Individual movement plan
- Direct coaching support
You're not broken. You're busy.
Give your body a plan it can stop arguing with.
Start with a free roast, then take the fix seriously enough to feel the difference.
Get your free body roast